In this episode, we have a special guest, Gaylen Wilson, who shares his inspiring story of overcoming erectile dysfunction (ED) and living his second life to the fullest.
Gaylen has been successfully dealing with ED for 22 years and married to his soulmate for 20 years. He has been helping men in the largest Facebook group for ED discussion for 2 years.
Dive into the episode as Gaylen shares his journey and experiences with ED, and how he has turned his life around. Don't miss this empowering and motivating episode! Stay tuned and hear Gaylen's incredible story of resilience and triumph.
- Episode Video
- Gaylen’s Story
- The Power of the Mind in Healing Your Self
- What is tantric sex and how does it work?
- Porn is the worst teacher for what a woman wants.
- What men with ED feel.
- Gaylen’s Advice to Men with ED.
Dr. Anne: Gaylen is actually an admin of the two largest Facebook group on erectile dysfunction discussion. He's going to tell us his story today and why he does what he does. But the focus I want to go through today is that there is a light for men living with ED. Even at severe case such as Gaylen.
So Gaylen, tell us about how you first had knew that you have ED or something was going on with your bedroom performance.
Gaylen: Well, we're gonna go back a little further than that. I was married at 20 years old and had my first child at 21. My wife and I had four children by the time we were 26. So we enjoyed sex quite a bit.
Anyway, we had a very active sex life throughout our marriage. I was one of those high tech workers that you heard about getting laid off after the September 11th thing happened.
Between all the stresses of that and other items, that marriage ended, and about that same time, I had developed ED, at 44 years old.
I went to the doctor and he was a little reluctant. At the time, general practitioners don't know as much as ED, about ED, as they need to know. They're not trained in it.
So that's where a specialist makes all the difference. But I was able to talk him into a prescription. At the time, Viagra was very expensive for me. I still had four children at home, trying to raise them. So I ended up cutting the 100 milligrams down to 25 and it was just miraculous for me at first.
Importance of Blood Work Testing
Dr. Anne: At that time, did he do any blood work or anything before you got medication?
Gaylen: I don't remember him taking any blood. It was very short meeting. He gave me the prescription and off I went.
In hindsight, I know now enough to know that he should have taken blood tests. To check me for heart issues and other underlying issues rather than just writing me the prescription.
Dr. Anne: He should have. You know, like an EKG should have been done. Some blood work just to look at your hormone’s level, inflammation level, blood sugar level, cholesterol level. Just basic things like that.
After Developing ED
Gaylen: Two years after developing ED, I caught me a 17 year younger wife. We had a very very well matched libido. And with sildenafil, you have to pretty much plan sex. So we just plan sex every morning and every night 14 times a week.
Dr. Anne: Were you able to get erection without the meds at all?
Gaylen: It was touch and go. I could once in a while but everything was working so Well that I usually didn't try it without the meds. Because it was working perfectly, I had a full whack sex life.
Dr. Anne: Did you had morning erection at all?
The whole point I'm trying to make is that when you first noticed you have ED, I want to see if you still have morning erection or nighttime erection. Because an average man will have about three to six erection. If you're having morning erection or nighttime erection, things are still working.
Importance of Knowing the Testosterone Level
Dr. Anne: So just kind of looking at 23 years ago, we identify some risk factors that will will put you to ED. The overweight and probably didn't have time to exercise because you're too busy working on raising the kids. That's probably why you were overweight, and then the stress and then low testosterone, at least at that time.
Gaylen: I never did get my testosterone checked until within the last couple of years, so I never knew what it was. I mean, I still had the libido. So I'm kind of guessing it was probably okay. But I'm sure it wasn't what it was when I was 25.
Dr. Anne: Exactly. Oftentimes testosterone starts dipping around mid 30. When you're more stressed, it dip a lot more, more than just 1% a year.
The Power of the Mind in Healing Your Self
Dr. Anne: What was the epiphany? What was the light bulb? Because for two months, you were just like lying there, gaining weight, couldn't exercise, couldn't do stuff obviously. But what what happened? What was the call?
Gaylen: No, I don't remember any certain thing. First of all, I wasn't gaining weight. Because I was in such bad heart failure. I was in the stage where you they were saying don't lose any more weight.
But I've always been kind of not wanting to sit around and vegetate very much. I always had me going and doing something.
I think that's what it was, it finally hit me that I was just had given up. And I don't think it was a movie or anything. I don't know whether I had a time where I didn't have it on or something and got to thinking about my situation. But I just knew I wasn't going to die that way.
A Change In Attitude
Dr. Anne: So you decided that you weren't gonna be feeling sorry for yourself.
Gaylen: Right. And believe it or not, that was really good for me. Because the first couple of days, it was just two or three hours. Then like the third day, I spent six hours out sanding all my shovels and painting the handles and getting all ready.
Within two weeks, I was completely off the oxygen both outside and inside at night. I had worked myself out and happened to have that oxygen as a crutch.
So within six weeks after that, I had worked myself into probably as good a shape as I could have been in with my heart as bad as it was.
Dr. Anne: What caused that? Obviously, your mind was powerful, right?
Gaylen: A change in attitude is what caused it. I had decided that I wasn't going to just give up and I was going to live what little life I had. I was on the transplant list, but I've only been on it three months by that time. So there's 12,000 people on that list nationwide and only 2,500 usable hearts become available every year. So you can read the handwriting on the wall that your chances of getting a heart at a few months on the list are slim.
What is tantric sex and how does it work?
Dr. Anne: What is tantric and the two massage that you mentioned [Lingam and Yoni]?
Gaylen: The tantric sex is based off ancient Hindu. You might have heard of the Kama Sutra, that's tantric sex.
So there's a meditation where you sit cross legged, close to each other, and take each other's hands. Do breathing exercises and move your arms and hands together while you're gazing into each other's eyes. And move the sexual energy between a cross between you. It's really powerful connection, spiritual connection that you can develop.
Gaylen: I advise a lot of guys. One of the things you lose when you get ED and you can't have consistent penetrative sex is the connection that you get when you have that penetrative sex. You have this very strong spiritual connection that happens, especially if you I gaze during the lovemaking.
When you can't have that penetrative sex anymore, that spiritual connection goes missing. That's what actually from my understanding from helping all these women, is they miss that more than they actually miss the sex. They miss that connection with their man.
So by doing the tantric meditation with your woman, you actually can restore that connection. It calms you down and actually helps with performance anxiety. I think a lot of guys that have mental ED will benefit tremendously from the this tantric meditation.
Tantra and Meditation
Dr. Anne: So you're talking about tantra, and meditation. Let's elaborate a little bit more on that.
Gaylen: So that restores that spiritual connection between the man and the woman that goes missing when penetrative sex can't happen. Also, one thing I tell my guys when they come into the group and they can't perform anymore is you've got to step up your poor foreplay game and learn to give women orgasms before you even attempt penetration. Because that does two things that makes her happy. It takes the pressure off of you to perform, so you're more relaxed.
That way you're taking care of her sexual needs by giving her orgasms, you're taking care of her spiritual needs by connecting with her spiritually. So there are guys that are doing this, still can't perform sexually, but their wives are now happy.
Dr. Anne: Absolutely. I'm glad you brought that up because you can still please your partner without penetrative sex. Like you said, connection, your eye connection. Using the five senses, the touching, seeing, the music, and the eyes, the smell, and using more foreplay is really setting up the stage.
You can please your woman by oral sex or even using gadget. That will assist in pleasing her. A woman can have orgasm without penetrative sex. Perhaps while he’s doing that, he can also be aroused. That will help his erection as well as his performance anxiety.
Meditation and Massages
Dr. Anne: Where can somebody find out more about the meditation?
Gaylen: Well, it's very simple if you just go on Google and do “A tantric sex for beginners.” There are videos, hundreds if not thousands of videos. Some are better than others. That's where I started when I when I first started discovering tantric.
Also, you asked me to explain the massages. We'll start with the lingam massage. It's where the woman massages the man's pelvic area, not just the penis. Kind of does it in a worshipful way. It increases the blood flow to the entire area.
Actually, you asked me if I was ever able to do it without medicine. The first time my wife tried that on me, we were just kind of experimenting with it. I hadn't take my meds taken any meds that night and everything worked perfectly.
Men have issues with self confidence and self esteem when they've had ED and that is a way a woman can really boost his self esteem. If she's worshipful in giving him this lingam massage because it is very powerful.
Also, I found it worked with several guys that have premature ejaculation. o that's I recommend they do that to themselves.
Another thing that helps with this, what's called Death Grip syndrome. Where a guy has used too strong of a grip for too long during his masturbation and has decreased the sensitivity of his penis. So it can help restore that sensitivity.
Yoni is the Sanskrit script word for vagina. The key to it is doing it in a worshipful manner that may or may not lead to sex. It's giving your entire attention to pleasuring a woman. Again, you massage the entire pelvic area of the woman.
The man massages the entire pelvic area with some kind of coconut oil or almond oil as a lubricant and pay attention an massage them the inner labia. Just little massages and just in do the entire area.
Then I usually end up inserting two fingers and going in for the G spot, which is about two inches inside on the roof of the vagina. That can make for some very powerful orgasms in the woman. Massaging the G spot.
Porn is the worst teacher for what a woman wants.
Gaylen: One of the things I tell is, especially the young men that have come into the group and they're addicted to porn and they basically masturbated to the point that they don't work anymore. Sometimes even they're not able to masturbate anymore because their erection’s just that bad and definitely cannot perform with a woman.
I tell tell my guys, first of all, you need to unlearn everything porn has taught you about making love to a woman. Because porn is the worst teacher there is for what a woman wants.
Porn teaches fucking not lovemaking and there's a huge difference.
Dr. Anne: Right, that's interesting way of doing that. It's also fantasy, it's like the movie Marvel. Because it's a movie that mean they can cut, they can play, they can go over three days and it looked like they're doing it for the 20 to 30 minutes. But it could go on for days time, you just don't know.
And it's been pricey. Also, you don't know what other medication, what other things they're taking. So that is something to consider as well.
What men with ED feel.
Dr. Anne: How would you describe three to five feeling that you have when you have ED. What are your feelings?
Gaylen: Our society has conditioned us to the point that we tie that our manhood to our erections. So that's probably one of the first things that a lot of men feel is “I'm not a man anymore.”
That's the furthest thing from the truth. I mean, if you have diabetes, does that make you not a man? You know, diabetes is treatable. It is treatable, so your manhood is not involved here, you can still be the man that your woman needs even if your penis doesn't work at all.
I tell my guys there's woman that love people that don't have penises. So, a penis is not necessary for a woman to love you.
Dr. Anne: Well said. What are the emotion? What does it feel when you have ED?
Gaylen: Embarrassment. Another thing I've learned from two years of working with women in the group is one of the first things the woman feels is it's my fault. He's not attracted to me anymore. Then we're so ashamed that we don't reach out to her and say, “No, it's not you. My body isn't working like it's supposed to.”
So unfortunately, a lot of men at that point, withdraw their affection from their women and won't even touch them anymore. The women are just agonizing because as they need that, that affection from their man, and he's afraid to give it to her, because he doesn't want to get her going, and then not be able to satisfy her.
So again, that comes back around to learning your foreplay, learning other ways to pleasure a woman and making that spiritual connection with her.
The Vicious Cycle of ED
Dr. Anne: The psychological component is there along with the physical component. But then they play with each other in a vicious cycle. The psychological meaning, the anxiety, the performance anxiety feed, and then that create more stress and distress. Create physical changes in the body, like increasing cortisol, lower testosterone, and creating inflammation, which then worsen the ED problem. Which can contribute to the physical part. And so it's just a vicious cycle.
Gaylen: I call it the ED tailspin. Your plane is in a tailspin and you've got to figure out how to pull it up out of that tailspin before you crash.
Dr. Anne: Sometimes, taking an ED meds is actually more effective for men that have a psychological ED. Because that gives that confidence and once you get that confidence, you can kind of work through it and then be able to get off medication.
Gaylen: That's always my goal is to try to get them off the medication once they've got that confidence back.
Gaylen’s Final Thoughts and Advice to Men with ED
Dr. Anne: What advice would you have for a guy that starts to notice that he’s having ED and feeling really worry about it?
Do not withdraw affection from your woman.
Gaylen: The very first piece of advice is do not withdraw affection from your woman. That's a one guaranteed way to lose her. If you're showing her affection and working on pleasuring her, she'll stick with you forever.
I have found the number one thing a woman needs in a relationship is to feel cherished. If she knows that you're hurt, that she's your treasure, she will not leave you. Because that is the number one thing she needs in her life, to be happy is to feel treasured and cherished. So that's the first thing, do not pull back and go into your shell and try to deal with this on your own. She is your helpmate.
Immediate see a doctor.
Of course, the second one is to immediately go see a doctor to find out if there's underlying conditions that are causing this. 15% of men who developed ED will have a heart attack or stroke within five years of their developing ED. My stroke was eight years after I developed ED, I had a stroke. So even though I didn't show any signs of cardiovascular issues, I still had a stroke at 52 years old.
Don’t buy the snake oil out there.
I would say the third piece kind of ties to the second piece, don't buy the snake oil out there. For every one good supplement, there are 100 that are just trying to take advantage of your desperation.
Find a doctor that you trust or we've got a holistic nurse in our group that has donated her time to the group. She works with men with their supplements, but she works with their doctors, with their blood tests, to find out what they're missing, before she ever suggests a supplement to them.
My fourth suggestion is relax. Maybe find you some meditation on your own to do on your own. Because the more you get stressed, the more your body produces cortisol, and the less your erections want to work properly.
So you've got to figure out a way to calm yourself down. Maybe not take yourself quite so seriously in this and I know that's awful hard to do, because it's such an integral part of our maleness. But it takes that even with people with even with guys with physical ED, the mental part plays a huge part in it.
Because even though there's a physical reason, as soon as that physical reason happens once, then the next time he might be that physical reason might not be as prevalent at that moment, but his mental health has gone down as he's in that ED tailspin.
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