Viewing pornography can be a part of a healthy sexual life without any feelings of guilt or shame. However, if you find that your viewing habits are becoming excessive, it could be indicative of an addiction to porn. This behavior may appear harmless, but if not addressed properly, porn addiction can detrimentally affect one's home life, work life, and personal relationships.
In this episode, Roman Mironov – a coach trained by Tony Robbins' program and who has been free from porn for 8+ years – will share his strategy and motivation to help people do the same. We will hear about his journey on how he achieved this goal; stay tuned!
- Episode Video
- How Roman Mironov Discovered Porn
- How Porn Can Affect Work and Relationship
- Why Is Porn Addictive?
- What Triggers Roman To Do Something About His Porn Addiction
- Methods In Stopping Porn Addiction
- Final Thoughts
- Connect with Roman Mironov
- Additional Resources
Episode Video
How Roman Mironov Discovered Porn
Dr. Anne: Let's dive into your story. How did you get addicted to porn? How old were you and how did you discover it?
Roman: Well, I'm 40. So I discovered it when I was 14. It was quite back in the day and actually, my friend introduce me to it.
He found this VHS tape, this old thing that his parents were hiding. So he started showing this VHS tape to everyone he knew. And I was, I think I was in the third batch of people coming to his place and watching it. I watched it, I felt very excited, and from then on, basically, I knew that this was my sex. Because at that point, I was super shy, I lack confidence, and even though I want to have a girlfriend, I think that there was no way I could get it.
Because one thing that I felt, that was kind of paranoid, but I was actually a bit shy because of my parents. I did not want my parents to know anything about, let's say a girl I was talking to. So I would go to summer camp and I would actually socialize for the girl there. But when I came back home, I would be scared of actually continuing talking to her because I was super shy because of my parents. I do not want them to know it. So from then on porn just became my sex. I knew it wasn't the real thing.
Dr. Anne: Well, at 14 your testosterone level right then would start die rocketing at that time, and I can certainly see that.
How Porn Can Affect Work and Relationship
How Porn Affected Roman’s Work
Dr. Anne: You were addicted to porn from for 17 years and how did that affect your work?
Roman: It held me back a lot when I was around 22 when I started my business.
My first business, a translation agency. I would say that I wasn't, I mean it's still active, it still does a pretty good business. But it's at 2% of what it could have been and a huge reason, a huge barrier that was holding me back was actually watching porn and masturbation.
Because at times, actually quite a lot of times, what I would do is instead of doing my work, I would watch porn and masturbate, and I would miss deadlines. And then a lot of colleagues who were suppose to work after me, they would suffer and we would miss the deadline with a client. And that was one thing with projects. But I didn't do any marketing at all. So porn is like the band, rubber band, that's holding you and I was trying to get rid of it. And I never could until I literally destroyed my life.
How Porn Affected Roman’s Marriage
Dr. Anne: Well, you also got married, how did that go?
Roman: Okay, I would say this, I got married by sheer luck. Because I did not have social skills. I was a bad conversationalist. I would not know how to listen. All I wanted was just to speak my mind. Say what the other person has to do. Because I thought that I was smarter whenever I talked, including my wife.
So I got married. I never knew how to treat her well, I never knew how to be engaged in the relationship, I never knew how to have deep conversations with her. She got fed up. And by the way, one huge reason for that was me watching porn and masturbating. And then actually going to my wife and telling her let's do it together. Let's watch a movie, let's do the same thing that those guys are doing on the screen. Let's watch them having fake sex and then have our own fake sex. So all of this led me to the point where my wife had enough and she divorced me.
Why Is Porn Addictive?
Dr. Anne: So what did watching porn give you? Why was it so addicting and satisfying for 17 years? What is it give you? In your mind that it was not real, but what is it give you?
Roman: Okay, I will say this. So there were two stages.
At the first stage, before I had a girlfriend, what it gave me was sex. That was the only sex I could have and that was different. So I had a sexual urge and then I would realize that sexual urge by watching porn and masturbating.
But after I got married and I had a girlfriend, I was doing it basically, for newness. I got bored of my real sex, I was bored in my work in general. At some point in my life, I was depressed. So I would use now porn as a coping mechanism for all those negative feelings that I that I was feeling. Newness, I mean, feeling bored with my sex, boredom in general, and depression.
What Triggers Roman To Do Something About His Porn Addiction
Dr. Anne: So what was the epiphany? What was the trigger to finally said, Roman, you need to do something? What was the trigger?
Roman: God talked to me that day. No, I'm kidding. So my wife divorced me. At that point, I told myself, okay, there are two paths in front of me one path is me continuing down the same road: watching porn, not being social, never getting a girlfriend. Because at that point I was 32 and now it was more difficult for me to get a girlfriend compare to when I was 20. At 20 was hard. At 32, it was a super challenge.
Now, the second path would be to actually stop it, watching it and use my sexual energy, my sexual urge, to push me to get a girlfriend. That was one of the best decisions in my life because I said, no, I will not go the first path because I don't want that. Because I was 32, I start to feel as a creep. I'm 32. I have a son. I have an ex wife. I'm supposed to be a mature guy, maybe a role model to some people, a leader. But instead of watching porn and hiding, I felt like a creep. So instead of that I chose to put myself out there, learn about relationship skills, build my skills socially, and finally I got a girlfriend.
Small Steps, Small Wins
Dr. Anne: All right, but do you have to quit porn first before you started building relationship skills. Was that was that the first day? So did you go cold turkey?
Roman: No, I do not go cold turkey because I prefer chicken.
I did it with small steps. I call it small wins.
So I would say I was set a streak for myself for a couple of days. No watching porn, no masturbation. I would hit the goal, let's say five days, and then I would relapse consciously without porn. No porn. I think porn is the culprit then I would feel proud actually because that relapse was of my own making. And then I would say now go to seven days and I kept building my street like this.
Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction
Dr. Anne: Now did you have a porn induced ED?
Roman: No, I think I've been lucky with this. Because I was so horny all the time, even though I was bored. So when I got to sex, whether it was with my wife, now ex wife, and then with my girlfriends down the road, I would never have that problem. Whenever I had a new partner, I would have some anxiety and I think it's normal. But I would just break from from it and it was never an erectile dysfunction in itself.
Dr. Anne: Good. I'm glad to because we were now seeing a rise in porn induced ED in younger men. And I'm glad to hear that you don't have that at this point.
Hardest Part In Stopping Porn Addiction
Dr. Anne: Now, so what was the hardest part as you were trying to stop porn?
Roman: The hardest part, I think was this habit. This habit I had built over the previous 17 years. Because I taught myself that whenever I feel bored or depressed, I have this medication. So I build a synaptic pathway in my brain between those two things. And I literally had to, because I did it so many times, it was super strong. And breaking such a strong habit is usually super difficult. So I had to hack and hack and cut and cut this pathway so many times and exert so much willpower, that if I think yeah, that was the biggest challenge.
Dr. Anne: Alright, so it's really willpower. So the hardest struggle is to fight within yourself. The willpower to keep on doing this every day.
Roman: Yeah, that's one of the big things. I think when it comes to becoming porn free. There could be different challenges. But in my case there was one challenge.
I think that with a lot of people, what they don't realize is that they want a quick solution, like get rich quick scheme, and there is none.
They really need to have a solid strategy plus commitment. I think this is the main reason that holds people back a lot. They don't find a strategy or they find it and they don't commit to it just like this. They prefer to stay victims for a very long time. Because you know it, it's a comfort zone. Staying in the comfort zone, and having that excuse, and rationalization is so much easier.
Your Brain Do Not Like Change
Dr. Anne: Well, you know, your brain did 95% of the time, once a day to do the same thing over and over. Your brain doesn't like change. If you want change, it's only 5% of your brain that have to will the other 95%, to say, I'm changing this.
So you're actually in a very small minority when you want change. But there's that willpower that said I'm going to control this 95% of my brain. Because your brain is also always wired to protect you. To put you in a most comfortable place. So when you try to get out of your boundaries, that's why it's so hard. That's why stopping porn is hard. That's why losing weight is hard. Right? Setting a new goal is hard. Because that's new, something new. You have to rewire your synaptic, like you said, to really rewire your thinking and your brain modulation.
Methods In Stopping Porn Addiction
Dr. Anne: What was your method in trying to stop porn? What was your method?
Roman: We touched upon this a little bit.
- So the first one was small steps, small wins, versus going cold turkey.
- Then I played punishment. I made sure that every time I relapsed, I would actually do something that I didn't want to do. Let's say like, clean. Actually at that point, I moved in with my parents, because my wife got the apartment and my son, and I would clean. They had a huge house. And I would love to say go to the basement and spent a couple of hours cleaning.
- The third thing that I used is, again, along the lines of conditioning, I would actually replace the habit of watching porn with another habit. Because I learned this from Tony Robbins from NLP, is that you don't just lose a habit. You don't just drop it but you have to offer your brain something instead, kind of a replacement. For me that was simple. I had my most strong urges at night. So instead of succumbing to an urge, watching porn and masturbating, I would listen to my favorite music. During the day, I would not do that. So I built anticipation. And at night, I would just put on my headphones, listen to great music.
I'm not saying that it cured me immediately. It was a process. But every time I did it, it was helping a little bit, and then more and then more and then more. Until finally I broke that old habit.
Other Strategies
Dr. Anne: So replacing porn with something else, but then punishing yourself doing something that you didn't like doing. I like that. I definitely like that. That's a strategy you can even use weight loss, right? Or just adding a new habit that you are like stopping smoking. It's almost very similar parallel there and stopping smoking and replacing smoking was chewing gum instead. What other strategies did you use?
Roman: Well, speaking of conditioning, one thing that I like is, so we have pain, punishment, but we also have the opposite reward. So I would make sure that the replacement habit was rewarding. It felt as a reward. So when I would listen to music, I buid anticipation, I liked it. That pleasure was reinforcing the new habit. Then I would also reward myself, let's say, once a week, if I did a clean week, I would go in and buy me some clothes, I liked that. That was, again, that reward was reinforcing the new habit.
Final Thoughts
It takes six weeks to change a habit and it's not that long. Only six weeks. If you do something consistently for six weeks, you can rewire your brain and then it becomes easier and easier to do.
The hardest part is really within the first two to three weeks. That's when your body changes. That's when your mind is gonna play games with you and say “Oh my God, no, no, no, I don't like this go back to the comfort zone, let's go back to the way it was before.”
But remember that the brain is the largest sexual organ, and you have a choice and control in what you do.
Connect with Roman Mironov
Dr. Anne: So can you tell our listeners how they can connect with you?
Roman: Your addiction is not about how much time you watch it. Look, to see whether you're addicted, there is a simple question.
Does watching porn add value to my life? Or does it actually detract something from my life?
Now, I would encourage you, if you feel that you are addicted, you can find more information by going to my website and get my free No Fap Course. It's a very structured program, completely free, very easily accessible, no paywalls, no anything, a very simple process.
Now, you do the program, and if you complete the program, and do all the tasks, you will be porn free. This is what happens with most guys. So don't wait. If you feel that porn is holding you back, if you feel you have tons of potential, but porn is not letting you actualize that potential, if you feel that you have this porn induced erectile dysfunction, you have to change it now.
Don't wait before you become a creep. Do it now. And when you do it, make sure that you remind me
Just let me know that you came from Dr. Anne's podcast. If you hire me later, I'd be happy to give you a 30% discount.
You can also connect with Mr. Mironov on Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn.
Additional Resources
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